IntroVert

Hi and Assalamualaikum to all my muslims reader..

So... few days ago, I've been reading Maria Elena post about Introvert and Extrovert. From the point view of someone that is naturally an Extrovert, she said that being married to her husband which is an introvert is an adventure because an introvert person is so hard to read. I know it all too well since I'm an introvert myself. For you guys out there who doesn't know what Introvert is, well, to make it easy, an Introvert is a person who has a very reticent, shy and often find solace spending their time alone, far from a group of people. Well, as you can see, I'm just describing myself over thereee. Haha.

Well, back then... I don't really know that I am an Introvert because I thought being excessively shy and closed to people was normal with kids around my age. I thought it was a phase. I'll get better when I grow up and meet more people, that's what I thought. During middle school, I often spend my time with the same group of friend that I'm familiar with so my condition didn't bother me until I entered high school. You know that typical school system where you were divided into different class base on your grade? and you have to move to other class when you exam grade fall? I was in 1KAA1(kelas aliran agama) which is at my school was the first class or whatever lah you call it. I'm still with my same group of friends so it doesn't matter until I have to move to 2KAA2 during the second year because my grade just drop. That's when the reality hits me hard.

I realize that I'm too shy to make new friends or to even talk and believe it or not, I didn't have friends during the whole years because my new classmates consist of people who I don't know. I was alone the whole time and I come to realize that I have no social skills or whatsoever. I didn't do anything back then to fix it and the condition continue until I entered form 6 and even now, college.

I, an Introvert gets energy from being alone rather than socializing because I often thought that meeting people was tiring. I would exclude myself from taking part in any activities that include big crowd, even sometimes I locked myself in my room when my relatives come to visit but of course lah after all those usual greeting and stuff but still being in such crowd make me uncomfortable. I may be talkative through social media but when in person, I'm may take time to be one.

However, upon entering college, it become hard to exclude myself because of the assignment and other mandatory class activities. By hook or by crook, I have to partake in those activities for the sake of my carry mark. I willed myself to try and it's like taking a first dip into a very cold water. You are not comfortable and all you want to do is disappear.  The thing is when I'm with people I don't know, I'll become awkward. I don't know how to start a conversation and there's time when all my paranoid thought comes creeping into the center of mind.

At some point, I thought being an Introvert suck... well, looking at my own point of view, socializing is a challenge and people often mistook me as quiet person or just someone who is hard to talk to. I'm not actually. I can talk if I want to and even get stuck in a freakishly long conversation if the topic is about something that I really love. I'll get along just well but still, it take time for me to warm up with other people. Sometimes, upon knowing how I naturally behave when I've finally fit in, they would assume me as hypocrite. It's quite upsetting though because I thought when I show my true self, they'll understand me better but instead I got those snide remark :( I actually heard this from who I use to consider good friends.

When being an Introvert, I often keep my thought all to myself instead of just bursting out. Sometimes, it was good to be like that but most of the time, it's not. When you didn't talk much, people were more likely to not expect much of you and sometimes, what you said would not be taken seriously. I realize this thing during my first semester which is that time I have English presentation in my subject list -lol, I actually forget what that course is called- and apparently, we have to write up a research. My English writing skill is not that good but not worst either, so I write every sentences myself but when I passed up the paper to my lecture, she suddenly said that 'your English can't be this good' and she only acknowledge me after three sems of her teaching me. So here, I can conclude that because I didn't talk much, so her awareness of my capabilities only comes after all those classes she had with me. I didn't blame her though. I took it as a challenge and every time I had a presentation, I volunteer myself to be the person who'll answer all question asked by our lectures and friends. My voice was shaking but I found out that I felt less nervous when I talk base on my own opinion.

The other downhill of being an Introvert is that I'm not good dealing with stress. I mention earlier that I tend to keep my thought inside and when I come across something that make me feel pressured. I keep it inside for a period of time until at some point, I completely lost it. It happen a lot, especially now that I'm a student. I get into a fight with my group member and it was a nasty one on top of that. When I'm angry, I tend to said things without thinking and I pry on something that happen in past, so basically while I'm being right... I hurt people around me from pointing out unnecessary things.

Growing up, I come to realize that socializing with people is important and thankfully, after I kinda force myself to join my college activity, I can say that little by little, I start to come out from my little cocoon a bit. It's a challenge I told you, because I am not an Extrovert and people who doesn't understand would never get the idea of how it actually felt. The thing that is important here is supports from family and friends... I'm glad that I have all of those. It quite funny when I get excited after I joined few community activities in college, taking pictures and such and after that I'll show it to my mom. My mom would be like 'that's good for you'. My sister know that what I'm like and every time I told her that I joined something, she'll be like 'pandai pun bersosial'.

I'm quite thankful though because my friend right now -my classmates- is a group of people who won't leave anyone behind, although I'm usually quiet, but they often make me feel like a part of the group. From my personal opinion, I think that when you have family members or friends who are an Introvert, the important thing you need to do is understand and support. As for me, I am good at one on one conversation or with a small group of people but not with crowd. i get all worked up and tizzy, esp at class presentation. To come out and talk need time and don't assume things too quickly. I mean, when you saw people who are quiet and excluded from the community, don't judge them as a snob or hard to approach because unless you really sure they are. Maybe they just need  time to fit in or someone to pull them into the crowd. Who want to be an outcast after all...

So, basically I share this because I wanna share how  being an Introvert felt like and from here I hope that you guys would understand better. Being an Introvert is not something that I like to be honest and I want to change that but of course the change can't happen over night. For mean time, I just hope that people around me can respect me and accept me as whom I am and and anddd.... know that not every single person in this world is the same. :)

So yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -aku memang lemah plus awkward kat penutup ni, so please pardon me- , till next time and if you are reading this, do share your thought and experience with me. Don't be shy :D